The Ramblings of Mal de Nic
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Maldenic, 2008 God of Vice's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 | | 11:00 am |
| | Sunday, June 14th, 2009 | | 5:15 am |
| | Sunday, June 7th, 2009 | | 1:13 pm |
| | Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009 | | 11:33 pm |
This is the post in which Craig returns to not reading my posts again :P
So I sitting here, waiting for midnight, so that I can yet again fail to get a booking for the TEM in two weeks time. Or perhaps I shall be lucky, this time. It always seems that all the slots are taken up by mechanical engineers :( Thus I am here writing - though it is more that I wanted to write, and thus found an excuse. As per usual, this is a post that began as a comment in response to someone's comments to an lj post, before I decided that, egotistical as I am, I should post it to everyone instead. Perhaps this shall dash Craigs hopes for me posting sensibly, but we can all deal with that. This morning, in response to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) theducks comment, I started writing this: "My mother raised me with the idea (I assume based on her experiences) that there is no "one true love", that throughout your life you will meet a few people that you could be very happy with, it is just that circumstances and serendipity lead us to be with one of them, rather than the others.
I know I can be difficult to be around, and I whilst I usually consider myself to be a patient person, I can be rather grumpy and antisocial at home. Small talk at the dinner table with my family is something I don't particularly like enduring. This is the only issue that my parents have with me, they have always told me that I need to learn to be more tolerant and polite, more social. My mother often unfavourably compares me to her father, who was the kind of cold, hard character that hard times breed (most of my aunts and uncles' stories consist of running away from him whenever something bad happened). It is strange, but in a way I feel that despite my parents being very nice, good parents, they have less faith in my social abilities than any of my acquaintances do. But that is beside the point, the thing is that I often fear that even if I may perfectly enjoy the company of my friends right now, there will come a time of familiarity that I shall become bored and tired of them, and my difficulty will drive them away."But ended up removing all that from my eventual response, instead keeping simple and not confusing myself by trying to explain where I was coming from. I think saying all that would have been unnecessary anyway (a fact that is quite obvious to you the reader, probably). Anyway, there are a few counterpoints to such a negative conclusion. Firstly, I am difficult anyway, and my friends accept me. Which is further refined into the thought that my friends have grown accustomed to how I am, and probably don't take my aloofness as personally as my family does. Not that that excuses me for being anti-social in the first place. Secondly, it isn't worth worrying about anyway: if it happens, it happens, and the only way I will know is by living. I don't think I need to go through all the other reasons I could think of, not really much point. Midnight comes, and I actually get a booking. On the 16th I shall fire a 300keV electron beam at things. So a final note perhaps? Hmm, what to say... I don't over-think things, despite what people may think. In fact I don't think a lot of important things through, and end up doing the wrong thing :) What I do do is be overly self-conscious, which makes me feel that I should explain myself and never feel I explain myself well enough. So I construct long analyses in my head to rationalise things, because I am often too insecure in my own intuitions. Paradoxical as it may seem, people criticising me for being unconfident, just makes me less sure of what I feel. Hopefully that description is useful enough for you to work out what I meant to say. Personally I think I am growing in confidence, and people around me seem to agree. But in order to grow I need to get more experience, and make more mistakes. Why do I post these things? Because I am interested in "me" and I am interested in other people. It just happens that the easiest way I can understand other people is through observing their responses to the things I say: it helps me see how they think, and helps me get another view upon how I think. Some people see this as self-absorbed, but some think my mind interesting, and what more could you want than for a few people to find your mind interesting? Which, in turn, reminds me.. | | Monday, June 1st, 2009 | | 10:01 pm |
There are many things I could say about the wedding I attended yesterday, but the only important thing is that Rowan trolled me. He said that his letter to Chas contained "food for thought" (ie. arguments relating to a certain person), but apparently that was just him trolling and his letter was actually nice. Anyway, today I was discussing with auntpol regarding the usual "these two are completely meant to be together" comments that people make regarding such marriages. We both agreed that this isn't really the case. You find love and commitment because you both choose to love and commit to eachother. velithya and myfyr aren't "perfect for eachother" in some fated, fairytale romance way. At least I don't think so. I think it is just that people who are nice, patient, and selflessly altruistic will, quite understandably, have good relationships with other people that they share interests and common ground with. Since they are both nice, stable people, they have a nice, stable relationship. Or at least that is how I see it. And when I think about myself, and my future relationships, the issue does not seem to be whether or not I can find "someone perfect for me", but rather that I am not perfect and may indeed be incapable of being in a relationship as nice as theirs. But that is ok, I don't need to be Chas, as good and noble a person as he is, I have spent too long wishing that I could be more like the people whom I thought better than me. And I don't need some ideal and perfect relationship either, silly teenage dreams are best left in my teens. I am me, and I shall have the relationships that I have. And if me requires being alone, then I guess that is the price I shall pay. I will evolve and change over time, perhaps becoming nicer or more perfect. But the question is whether I want to, what I truly want to be. Or some random will-to-power rubbish like that :P | | Saturday, May 30th, 2009 | | 10:01 pm |
I thought people might want to know that Tim Minchin is hosting rage on the 6th of June. | | Monday, May 25th, 2009 | | 7:30 pm |
I thought that some people without twitter might like to see this: RT @overingtonc How odd: in the South, in 2009, they still have ``the black prom'' and the ``white prom'' http://tinyurl.com/q6m6tb | | Saturday, May 23rd, 2009 | | 11:39 am |
More tomorrow, enough for today. | | 9:12 am |
I have often been struck by the whim to post all the essays that I have written over my years at uni, and, now that I have finished my degree, I can. So here goes it. Perhaps you shall see an interesting progression of me getting better at writing as I do more of it? Or perhaps some of my expression degrades over the years? I don't know. I do know that I did a lot more straight-out quoting earlier on in my degree (it was the easy, though not as intelligent, way). I will try to post marks that I got as well. | | Friday, April 24th, 2009 | | 11:13 pm |
| | Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009 | | 3:40 pm |
Happy friends-day!
> Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 22:27:50 +0800 > From: auntpol's email address > To: my student email address > Subject: Well... > > Hmm, I'm just wondering if this is the Nick who is the UniSFA Nick. > > Because > > (a) I realised I have *no* ways of contacting you. So, that would > kind of suck, if I had an odd compulsion to tell you something. Which > is not that unlikely - I enjoy sharing discussion with you. > > (b) I wanted to see if there really was a way to find out email > addresses through the uni website. > > (c) I don't know. I'm odd, I guess. > > So, if it's you, I would appreciate your *Real* email address. Of > course, if you want to give it to me. > > If it isn't you - I am crap at trying to find stuff out - disregard > this and swear at me under your breath (or whatever you feel > appropriate) > > - auntpol | | Saturday, April 18th, 2009 | | 1:11 pm |
| | 12:15 pm |
A few possible future events
So, certain ideas popped up in my head recently. Despite me being a difficult person to get to come to parties, or whatever, there is the paradox about my person that I do have strong social desires. Except perhaps these desires are inherently idealistic, and not practical at all. Who is to say of gods and men? Anyway, here are a few thoughts: 1. Mad Men event Possibly in conjunction with exploration of Mrs Brown Bar (or is it "Brown's", I should double check). I had a compulsion for an event where people dress up in a stylish manner, and sit around drinking stylishly, and these two thoughts combined with aesthetics of Mad Men came to fruition in the thought of a Mad Men style dress up (though rest assured we would not be emulating the smoking and misogynist aspects). This could possibly be done in an outing to some suitable place, or in some suitable person's house. Mostly day-dream though, I'm not sure if I could be bothered organising such a thing. 2. Leavers Jumper night out So, most of us have leavers jumpers, and I think that most people's use of them falls into two categories: Wear it casually around the house like a day-pajama, or never wear it at all (mine sits in my drawer all the time). I had the silly thought of having some organised outing to Flipside, or to some pub or party, where everyone wears their leavers jumpers (possibly swapping jumpers at points in the night :P). I don't know why I had this thought, I just did. 3. Next r a g e Marathon: Howling Bells This will be on the third (16th) or fourth (23rd) Saturday night of May, but they haven't said which. I assume it will be on the 16th though. Time and place will be organised when the night draws closer. 4. Drink at Mrs Brown Bar This is the new (not even opened yet, I think) wine bar next to, and owned by, Flipside in North Fremantle. It should be interesting, and trendy. | | Thursday, April 9th, 2009 | | 11:11 pm |
http://www.nerve.com/personalessays/manus/a-life-in-lips-twelve-men-twelve-kisses/"Luke: Luke, whose lips were twice as thick as a piece of taffy, knew how to rouse the girlfriend who needed three alarm clocks: start between her legs. By the time I could say something coherent, his face would be hovering over mine, wet and mildly abraded. I would kiss him, tasting my milkweed secretions, but not before he had said, in a husky voice, "Good morning." And, really, it was. Any morning Luke woke me up between my legs was indeed a good morning.
...
The man I kissed last weekend: He kissed goodbye so sweetly, I want to kiss him hello." | | 6:26 pm |
Another Splurge Later...
Today I bought: Neil Young - Prairie Wind Neil Young and Crazy Horse - Ragged Glory The Drones - Wait Long By the River and the Bodies of Your Enemies Will Float By The Drones - Gala Mill The Drones - Havilah Explosions in the Sky - All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone | | Saturday, March 28th, 2009 | | 7:31 pm |
Wise sages of computer-related things
My family's computer says that its ' \WINDOWS\system32\config\SYSTEM ' file is missing or corrupted, and thus it will not start up. One of the perils of parents and sisters, is that they store important information with no backup. Is there a way to reinstall or repair the system files without losing information? I know the files won't be over-written in the process, but is it easy to recover them? | | Sunday, March 22nd, 2009 | | 2:59 pm |
Well, I haven't had such a reception since the two hours I spent in Epsilon Squad (goonfleet) before they kicked me for bad posting, and before that the reception I got when I wrote an intro thread in Anzac Squad. Somehow I annoy people most when I just talk and expect people to either listen or ignore me. I know people get annoyed when I passive-aggressively don't speak my mind, but such annoyance does not compare to that I get when I speak all of my mind. Oh well, I am turning this Loud Twitter thing off now anyway. You have embarrassed me into that much at least. I feel that I am being weak and just giving in, and that people will take this as yet another example of Nic passive-aggressively giving in whilst being snarky about it. But in the end I don't care that much about some silly internet thing, and the gimmick would have passed anyway :P | | 2:01 am |
| | Saturday, March 21st, 2009 | | 10:42 pm |
So, as some of you may know, I had a Macbook Pro this week, and then they took the macbook back and gave me a Dell. What's more, despite CSNF owning the computer, BBCS took it and installed all the software that the university has licences for, and then returned it with only them having Admin privileges, and me having to use an account on the BCS server to login on a computer that only I will be using. So if I need anything installed at all, I need to go down to IT support. Amber has also pointed out that I will need to do the same in order to use SNAP, not that I use SNAP anyway. In the course of this I discovered that my supervisor believes it an important right that I have a computer that I can install instant messenging software on, because, in his opinion, there is no point to the internet unless you can instant message. Anyway, I made some pretentious photos of myself using the macbook, when I still had it. ( photos ) | | Friday, March 20th, 2009 | | 10:16 pm |
Needs more vice
I waited for the bus,
as the wind swirled and blew.
And as a light drizzle of rain
descended upon my face,
I ascended up the single step
from land to thrumming machine
and walked to my seat
as I was carried to beyond.
A girl turned to me,
and glanced for a few moments
into my eyes,
who knows what for.
And thus my trip was infected
by the watching of her.
She wore a somewhat translucent white blouse,
above her jeans and boots,
through which I could see
the purple of her bra and the complete outline
of the curves of her torso.
She sat translating French expressions,
and then, once done, set about the task
of translating her face to that expression
that her mind sought to tell the world
with mascara and make-up.
She applied concealer under her eyes
to hide her blue bags of tiredness,
like a secret shown only in bed
to lovers in dreams.
My mind pictured walking up to her,
when the bus got to the uni,
saying "Nice boots" and hearing her
reply of "Nice shorts", or some
other thing amusingly memorable,
before I walked off to never
see her again, as is my way,
but apathy drowned out all other
intentions and intuitions.
And thus, with such thoughts,
I walked towards my morning session
of firing electrons at particles
so small as to exist only in faith.Tonight I sit alone at home, home alone. It reminds me of how I don't have some girlfriend to call upon to come spend time time in such times of aloneness. Which is sad, and lonely. But I am well versed in entertaining myself, in constructing my own contentment out of nothing. It is highly strange, but I was struck this morning how I am most content of all when I am doing nothing at all. The most contented time of my entire day today was when I sat in Flipside, staring at a wall, waiting for my burger to be ready. It wasn't exciting, but it was nice to just sit, and absorb the surroundings. It seems I am only alone when I try to venture forth, away from just me. Which makes some sense, I guess. But here I sit typing on lj, this is far from providing contentment, though my words carry the hope of providing me the satisfaction of writing something interesting, or pseudo-whatever. Who knows. Flipside's Avocado and Bacon (and beef) Burger is better than I remembered. Flipside-girl is still hot, and her blue eyes still give that patient yet actively attentive look that says that the customer can do no wrong. Not that that really matters, but we all have our passing distractions :P |
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